8 Toxic things we say to our children without realising It.

As parents, our words hold tremendous power. The phrases we utter and the words we use towards our children shape their self-esteem, emotional well-being, and overall outlook on life. This is made doubly true considering how impressionable children can be and how much a simple or trite statement can affect them during their formative years.

As parents, discovering the best way to approach our children comes with patience and experience. But we're often likely to slip up, get frustrated, and say things we don't mean. This being said, let's explore eight harmful statements commonly made to children, providing simple examples to raise awareness and promote positive communication.

The examples provided in this article are meant for illustrative purposes only and do not represent appropriate or recommended communication strategies.

1 - Harmful comments about their appearance

As parents, we may paint an idealised image of how our children should look and be seen by others. Believe it or not but children, even very young, are sensitive about their physical appearance. 

Negative and flippant comments can have long-lasting effects on their self-esteem. Avoid criticising their looks or making comparisons instilling insecurity. Instead, focus on celebrating their unique qualities and reinforcing positive body image. A child should never feel shame over their physical appearance.

Tip: if your child is negative about their body or appearance, draw attention to all the other positive physical qualities that they have. Focus their attention on the positive.

2 - Provocative/Sarcastic questions towards their actions

While genuinely more intelligent and perceptive than one would give them credit for, some verbal cues simply fall flat on children. Sarcasm is one such example. 

Asking sarcastic or provocative questions may not only lead them to become confused but also belittle their actions and discourage their decision-making abilities. Such comments can undermine their confidence and hinder their sense of autonomy.

Example: "Do you honestly think that was a good idea? What were you even thinking?"

The simple answer is they didn't, and they weren't, something parents are all too aware of.

3 - Selfish Wishes

Selfish wishes are less of an offhand comment and reveal more troubling aspects of lousy parenting. A habit of making your child feel bad or guilt-tripping them over their actions based on a parent's emotional insecurity often leads to early resentment.

Example: "I wish I could have peace without you bothering me."

Expressing selfish desires can make children feel like a burden or inconvenience. Remember, you're no longer living for yourself. As a parent, It's important to prioritise their emotional well-being and show understanding and empathy over your feelings on the matter.

Tip: Everytime you feel like you don't have the time to engage with your child, try to think of a time when they will no longer be there, at college or university. Be present in the moment. 

4 - Making your child feel like a burden

Children must feel unconditionally loved, entirely accepted, and genuinely valued by their parents. It is crucial to avoid making comments making them feel like a burden, as this can profoundly affect their emotional well-being, fostering a sense of unwarranted guilt and a persistent feeling of inadequacy.

Example: "You always make things difficult. I can't do anything without you causing problems."

Later on in life, these actions will eventually lead to resentment and self-loathing. A dangerous combination of traits, all too easily crippling adult emotional growth.

5 - Unhealthy comparisons

Comparing your child unfavourably to others can have a severe and detrimental impact on their self-esteem. It can create an incessant need for external validation and undermine their self-worth. It is essential to avoid comparisons diminishing their value or implying they are somehow less deserving or capable than others. 

Example: "Why can't you be more like your sister? She always behaves well."

Instead, focus on acknowledging and appreciating their unique qualities and individual strengths. Encourage them to embrace their journey and celebrate their accomplishments, fostering a healthy sense of self-esteem and confidence.

6 - Verbally abusive statements

Verbal abuse, encompassing behaviours such as name-calling, insults, or degradation, can have profound and lasting psychological consequences for children. Our words can shape their self-perception, emotional well-being, and overall mental health. It is crucial to always communicate with children in a manner reflecting kindness, empathy, and respect. 

Example: "You're so stupid. Can't you do anything right?"

Choose your words carefully, using constructive and affirming language to build them up rather than tear them down. By fostering a positive and nurturing environment through our words, we can help children develop a strong sense of self-worth, emotional resilience, and healthy relationships with others.

7 - Threatening abandonment

Children rely on the presence and support of their parents or caregivers for a sense of safety and well-being. When subjected to threats of abandonment, it disrupts their trust and can have long-lasting effects on their emotional development.

Example: "If you keep misbehaving, I'll just leave you here by yourself."

Children need reassurance and a stable environment to thrive. They require the knowledge they are unconditionally loved and understand their caregivers are committed to their well-being. By providing a consistent and supportive presence, parents can foster a sense of security and create a nurturing environment where children can grow and flourish.

8 - Empty promises

Making promises to children and repeatedly failing to fulfil them can have a detrimental impact on their trust and emotional well-being. When children hear promises from their parents, they develop a sense of expectation and anticipation. They believe these commitments will be honoured and their hopes and desires will be fulfilled.

Example: "We'll go to the park tomorrow, I promise." (Repeatedly postponing or cancelling the outing)

If circumstances prevent the fulfilment of a promise, it is crucial to communicate openly and honestly with children, explaining the reasons for the change in plans. By being mindful of our promises and genuinely trying to follow through on them, we foster a sense of security, trust, and stability in our parent-child relationships. 

Our words have a profound impact on our children's emotional well-being and overall development. By being mindful of our words, we can create a nurturing and supportive environment that fosters their growth. Let us choose our words carefully, speak with kindness and encouragement, and build our children's self-esteem, confidence, and resilience.

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