From Gaslighting to criticising, how to handle and manage these behaviours?

Everyone encounters manipulation at some point in life. From a young age, we might lie or deceive our parents, though our attempts are often rudimentary. The tactics we encounter-and perhaps even use-become more sophisticated as we grow. 

It can be challenging to distinguish between manipulation and genuine honesty, so understanding the various tactics used to influence and control others is essential. This article outlines some of the most common manipulation tactics and how to recognise them.

Gaslighting


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Gaslighting is a particularly deceitful form of manipulation where the goal is to convince you that your understanding of reality is flawed. The manipulator might twist facts, deny events, or make you doubt your own memories. 

Imagine you remember having a conversation with a colleague about an important project deadline. Later, when you bring it up, they deny the conversation ever happened and suggest you're misremembering. Over time, this could make you doubt your memory and feel unsure of your own thoughts.

If you're encountering this behaviour, remember to document conversations and key details, such as through emails or notes, to have a clear record of events. Additionally, trust your instincts and seek validation from others to reinforce your understanding of reality.

Emotional blackmail

Emotional blackmail occurs when a manipulator uses your emotions against you, often by threatening self-harm or invoking guilt to get their way. They might exploit something they know you care deeply about, leveraging it to coerce you into actions you wouldn't otherwise take. This tactic can be particularly harmful, as it plays on your sense of responsibility and compassion.

A partner might say, "If you really loved me, you'd do this for me," or even threaten to harm themselves if you don't comply with their wishes. This tactic plays on your sense of responsibility and can make you feel trapped.

To address emotional blackmail, set clear boundaries and recognise that you are not responsible for another person's actions or emotions. Seeking support from trusted friends or professionals can help you process these manipulative tactics and protect your well-being.

Boundary violation


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Manipulators often test how far they can push your boundaries, especially if those boundaries stand in the way of something they want. 

Suppose you tell a friend you're not comfortable discussing your personal finances. Later, they start subtly asking about your salary or spending habits, ignoring your previously stated boundary. They may try to guilt you into sharing by saying, "I thought we were close enough to talk about everything."

Coercion

Coercion involves pressuring someone into doing something they don't want to do. This tactic can encompass several others, such as blackmail and guilt-tripping. The primary goal is to convince you to comply with the manipulator's wishes, even if it goes against your own desires or best interests.

A boss might hint that your job security depends on you working late hours without additional pay, even though it's not required. The pressure to comply comes from the implied threat to your livelihood, making you feel you have no choice but to agree.

Protect your boundaries by firmly and consistently reinforcing them when tested, making it clear that your limits are non-negotiable. If the manipulation persists, consider distancing yourself from the situation or person to maintain your integrity and well-being.

Criticising


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Criticism is a standard tool for manipulators, who often disguise their negative comments as care or concern. Making you feel insecure creates a situation where you are more susceptible to their influence. After criticising you, they might offer a solution that benefits them, further entrenching their control.

A friend might constantly comment on your appearance by saying things like, "You'd look so much better if you lost a few pounds. I'm just saying this because I care about you." This kind of criticism is meant to undermine your self-esteem, making you more dependent on their approval.

You have to recognise manipulation for what it is and maintain confidence in your self-worth. Respond by asserting your boundaries and, if necessary, distancing yourself from those who undermine your self-esteem under the pretence of care.

Victimhood

Manipulators often portray themselves as victims to elicit sympathy and manipulate those around them. By exaggerating or fabricating their suffering, they aim to gain pity and make you feel responsible for their well-being. This tactic can be particularly effective, as it plays on your compassion and sense of duty.

A coworker who frequently blames others for their mistakes might say, "No one ever helps me, and I'm always the one getting in trouble for it." They might use this tactic to gain your support or to make you feel responsible for helping them, even when their situation is of their own making.

Recognise when someone is using victimhood to shift responsibility or elicit undue sympathy. Maintain healthy boundaries and avoid taking on responsibility for problems not yours to solve.

Isolation


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In relationships, a manipulative partner might see your family and friends as threats to their control. They may try to isolate you from these support systems to gain more influence over you. Encouraging you to distance yourself from others makes you more dependent on them, gradually gaining control over every aspect of your life.

A partner might frequently say things like, "Your friends don't care about you like I do," or they might insist that you spend all your free time with them instead of your loved ones. Over time, this isolation can make you entirely dependent on your partner, giving them more control over you.

Counter isolation tactics by prioritising strong connections with your family and friends, even if your partner discourages them. Recognise the importance of a balanced life and resist attempts to distance yourself from your support network, as this helps safeguard your independence and well-being.

Defending against these tactics

The best way to defend yourself against manipulation is to be firm in your beliefs and set clear boundaries. Don't hesitate to distance yourself from them if you feel uncomfortable or suspect someone is trying to manipulate you. 

Seeking the perspective of a trusted friend or family member can also help you gain clarity on the situation. Remember, it's essential to trust your instincts and protect your emotional well-being from those who seek to control or deceive you.

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